ARTWORK BY ME =P
I have a new sexual preference after I got diagnosed. I want a poz boyfriend. But to be honest, I am finding it hard to reconcile this with my real emotions. I am in love with Deo. So bad. I am miserably in love with him.
I do not really know what I am for Deo. He calls me his “little boy.” I call him my Kuya. He is a counselor, a friend, a long-distance lover all at the same time. A special friend with strange and bizarre benefits. We care for each other, we want each other, we are affected by each other. It is hard to define what to call this relationship. At first, he was just a simple older brother type of guy who helps me cope with my HIV status by showing his concern and being a friend who is there to listen to me.
But since that kiss, I am so confused. But I loved every bit of it. I loved the way it sent shivers across my spine. I cried to him the next day and told him that I wish he would always be there for me. I do not care if he dates other men or gets a boyfriend as long as he is here, caring for me. He said he would always be here. I really hope so. I really do.
He said he kissed me because he felt like doing so. Because he wanted to. I know it does not mean he wants something serious. Maybe that is the only explanation – he felt like doing so. Well, maybe I am still attractive even with HIV. Despite my CD4 of just 2, I can say that I still look fine and somewhat healthy. And maybe a little cute and yummy still. I am a vain boy so just let me feel this way about myself. Deo told me that he still finds me sexy and I still give a boner even after I told him I am a squid. This really touched me to my marrows. I felt accepted… And loved.
I always remind Deo that I love him. I am always expressive and open. Unlike other people who is afraid to tell their beloveds their true emotions, I am more uncomfortable if I do not tell that person what he means to me. I always tell Deo I love him over and over again. I always thank him for taking care of me and for indulging me. I am grateful of his time for me.
I told him to just let me love him. He does not have to love me back. This is my problem. I just want someone to love right now, someone to make me smile and feel great about myself. And Deo is really the guy that makes me desirous with life. With him, being with him, talking to him, thinking of him, I am invincible. His presence in my life right now strengthens me. I need this strength, not because I feel weak with my disease, but because I need someone to inspire me to be the best that I can be.
I don’t know why Deo is like this with me. I do not know if he has ulterior motives. But I guess not. I hope not. What can he want from a silly naïve average-looking yet maybe somewhat yummy HIV positive guy like me? I asked him why he is kind to me. Is it like this because he feels pity for my situation? I do not need pity because I myself do not feel that my life right now is piteous. In fact, I am super enjoying it. Well, does he only like to get me into bed? I would gladly let him. He can use me all he wants but then, I really feel that there may be something else. Maybe he sees me as his little brother. An incestuous little boy. He actually sounds like my Dad. When he reprimands me about things, he speaks with brutal honesty and anger, the way a parent would scold a naughty son. He would tell me hurtful things but then, I realize that he does that because he wants me to be better. He wants me to be more mature and change my naïve attitude.
But then again, I like to think that maybe, just maybe, he may start to fall in love with me too.