Cannot be

ARTWORK BY ME

I love Deo. I do not know if he loves me too. He is really nice to me and I like to think that maybe he is a little interested with me. Even a little. I do not want to assume anything. All I can say is that I feel beautiful with him. I feel wanted. He is a friend, a brother, a guide, a counselor, a quasi-lover. He is the first man who have kissed me despite knowing that I am HIV positive. I fell hard for him but something really nags me.

I cannot be with Deo right now as his boyfriend.

First of all, he is negative!!! I will just be paranoid whenever we have sex in the future. I will be scared if he will be contaminated. We can actually have safe sex. But I am afraid of a time we would get so horny and no condoms are available that we would do it bareback. It would be a disaster for me if I infect him. I would not forgive myself. I know I have the tendency to be so rash and irresponsible with the things I do. Especially when it comes to sex. And how I love it bareback! I miss come inside my ass mixed with my blood after a really good and satisfying fuck session. I love the feeling of warm semen stinging my innards because of rough hard pumping. I love the taste of bittersweet come in my mouth. I am scared that I will forget myself if I had sex with Deo. But I cannot help but desire him so.

Secondly, he told me he is not looking for a partner yet. He is actually dating multiple guys even now. Well, it is his life anyway. I get jealous and I tell him but it does not matter if I do. We are not committed anyway so all I can do is to act cute. We are having our own twisted way of arousing and teasing each other. We are very naughty to each other in our own way. Last afternoon, we had phone sex for the first time while I masturbated. I imagined him on top of me, making some bad romance upon my young ill body and taking his fill. Masturbating to the voice of someone you really like is such a big turn on.

Then I sent him naughty videos of me almost naked and masturbating while watching porn. He sent me his own video where he was making love with another guy. They were kissing and sucking each other. I saw Deo naked for the first time and I was so hungry for him. He looks so much better naked. He is really a charming guy but he is a lot better-looking without his clothes. I saw how he made the other guy moan and twist in pleasure. He is good, really good. I saw his wild passionate side and I love it. Because I am the same too. I am sure that if we ever get each other to bed, we would match each other’s intensity. We would truly enjoy each other. In a weird way, I was jealous watching him do it with another guy. But I could not stop watching it over and over. I could not help not jerk off while hearing their cries of ecstasy. My only consolation is that I did not see him fuck the guy. I will be really jealous in that case but because I am a masochist, I think I will endure and take pleasure in that emotional and psychological torture.

I want Deo. I want him inside me so bad…

But it must wait. My CD4 is just 2. I told him that if my CD4 increases to 350, he could fuck me. For now, I guess we could only make out and just spend our time having sex in various non-penetrative ways. I am taking care of my body well. I want that time to finally taste Deo to happen soon. My next CD4 count is on August. But to be honest, I cannot wait any longer. I want Deo so bad. These emotions he makes me suffer are such a daily torture. Mental agony in its most sadomasochistic form. This is so effing twisted the way I like it.

I told him that if we cannot be together right now, it is okay. I am not in a hurry. I do not want to lose him ever. I will just let him play as much as he want because I myself is just playing with a lot of guys. Nothing serious for now. I just want Deo to be here with me. No commitments or whatever. Just a special kind of friendship (with benefits)? 

I hope that when the time he is ready, I will be a potential candidate for the partner he would want to have. I told him to help me change into a person he can fall in love with. It is too early for that. I can be contented with what we have right now. But I want hope that he may also fall for me too. As in fall in love with me big time. He really seems like a perfect boyfriend. He is the one guy whom I welcomed in my heart after almost a year of being single. He is the one I see that could make me happy and whom I want to make happy as well. 

I will start slowly. Deo already came into our house and I will little by little introduce him to my family as a friend. I want them to like him. I want him to be welcome here in our house anytime he would like to see me. Deo and I have plans so that he would make a good impression. I am keeping my fingers crossed. 

This is so amazing!