Biyernes, Hunyo 15, 2012

Coup de Foudre


Kuya, if you are reading this, I know you know how much you mean to me. Thank you and just love me always. That is all I ask of you.



Sometimes I wonder what Kuya Deo and I could have been if I were not HIV positive in the first place. Would things be better or would it be worse? I see two scenarios that could have happened.

WORSE:

Kuya Deo and I would meet. He would fuck me, maybe twice or more then lose interest with me. I might fall in love with him but the hell he would care about my feelings. I would just be someone he fucked and he’ll move on to another guy in a jiffy.

BETTER:

Kuya Deo and I would meet. He would fuck me, maybe twice or more and he might like me. We would date for a few times and maybe, he would discover that I am an interesting person. We would be lovers and maybe, we would become partners too in the process.
But the reality is I found love in a hopeless place. I thought that after I learned I am HIV positive, love is already something but a distant memory for me. I will either be an asexual advocate or a horny sick boy who will spend the rest of his life reminiscing about the past and masturbating every day. I lost hope in love and the possibility that someone will still love me back.

When Kuya Deo visited me, I expected nothing. Honestly, there was a slight glimmer of hope that he would like me. But I just thought he would see me as someone sick whom he feels pity or mercy. Someone he could be kind with. Maybe he deplores about my condition and he wants to be a friend so that the pain of being sick can be somehow lighter.

I fell in love with his smile when I first saw it but I controlled myself. He handed me a bag of macaroons that he bought from Goldilocks as a present for me. I was trying so hard to behave myself when he was beside me. He was really nice and much better-looking in person. I was so intent to impress him. I showed him my books and even my bottles of antiretrovirals. He even saw my scars, the brown spots all over my body that was the result of inexplicable rashes I got months ago. He touched one of them. He studied them and looked so concerned about me.

We talked a lot that night. He was really interesting and jolly. He showed me what he does in his job and he showed me some stuff that he did in college. I really enjoyed talking to him. I was attracted to him alright but then, I really just stopped myself from doing something stupid. I just admired him with a smile on my face. But in my head, I was thinking about what could have been. I was surmising on the thought of kissing him, or making love to him, but these thoughts died as soon as I remembered the stark reality of things.

I am HIV positive. He is HIV negative.

We are two ends of the pole. Opposites might attract each other, but they do not always stick around for long. As in our case, our extreme polarities are so much more complicated than simple magnetism. It’s a matter of life and death. If we become together, like lovers or partners, he would be endangering himself. I could infect him no matter how hard we would do to be cautious, clean and safe. 

Yes, HIV is no longer life-threatening but the reality is it is still a grave disease. It is manageable but its threat to health is such a serious and dangerous matter. I would never forgive myself if I transmit this virus to an HIV negative like Kuya Deo.

I expected nothing so that is why I was hit hard when he held my hand and kissed me that night. Our kiss gave me a jolt of emotions that resurrected me. The French call it coup de foudre. Lightning strike. I was like Frankenstein's monster, an ugly decrepit creature who was brought to a new life by a shot of electricity.

It was a kiss that changed my life.
It was a kiss that made me stronger.
It was a kiss that empowered me.
It was a kiss that made me want to live.

Kuya Deo is one of the biggest reasons why I am so happy and in love with life right now. He makes living with HIV/AIDS so much bearable. His constant stream of care and affection is my personal oasis in the middle of the desert of death. I am much more alive because of him. I no longer live just to survive, but I live because I also want to share the rest of my life with Kuya Deo by my side.

I always tell him I love him. I really do. I always ask him to be always here for me. He tells me he will.
Without him, I do not know if I can stand the misery and sadness that is inevitable to all of us who are stricken with this deadly virus. He is my inspiration. He is my guiding light. He is my cause of joy. He is the force that gave me a newfound hunger to live.

He is my hero. And he will always be that hero who will save me.


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