FIRST OF ALL, I NEED TO PUT A DISCLAIMER! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, DISTURBING IMAGES AND BIZARRE THOUGHTS THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR MINORS AND FOR SOME ADULTS. AGAIN I REPEAT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
THESE ARE ALL MY OPINIONS AND MY THOUGHTS. I DO NOT CLAIM THAT I AM RIGHT, AND I ALSO DO NOT THINK I AM WRONG. I DO NOT ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO BE THE SAME WITH ME, BUT I AM NOT STOPPING YOU IF YOU WANT TO BE THE SAME WAY.
I DO NOT INTEND TO PREACH AND TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE TO HAVE THE SAME ATTITUDE. I AM JUST BEING HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT WHO I AM. I KNOW SOME MAY REACT WITH HOW I WRITE BUT HEY, IT’S MY BLOG =P I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT HERE.
I’M NOT FORCING ANYONE TO READ ME. YOU ARE WELCOME TO DO SO, TO LOVE ME OR HATE ME, BUT THEN, AFTER ALL, I WARNED YOU. SO AGAIN, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
I have a dilemma. Should I be more behaved now or should I still be who I really am?
By the way, what does “WHO I AM” means?
To give you an idea, here is a description of myself:
I am a strange and weird individual. I pride myself with being the most sexually deviant person there is here in our country. I guess so. I am highly sexual. In fact, I do not think of myself as gay or bi or whatever. I like to think of myself aspansexual. Which means, I get attracted and aroused with a lot of things. Boys, men, sometimes girls, even animals, plants and inanimate things and other stuff. Yes, you read that right. I am very open to the things I love and my capacity to love is way beyond normal humans. I do not limit myself to the norms of society. I enjoy being unique and bizarre. What do I mean by this? I’ll discuss more in my post about my fetishes soon.
Anyway, being pansexual made me very incomprehensible at times. I may be shocking and disturbing to others. I am very vulgar and open to my desires. I can basically tell anyone who bothers to listen about my strange sex life and what I do about it.
I will give you a glimpse of what I usually think about. Mind you, this is just a glimpse. There are a lot of things that I cannot talk about just yet. Sometimes, I think of having sex with animals sometimes although I have not really tried it actually in real life. Well, I do not intend to do it but then I am not also thinking it is wrong. I think necrophilia and cannibalism are romantic. I read a lot of books and articles about serial killers and what do they do to their victims. I love reading Marquis de Sade, Georges Bataille, Poppy Z. Brite and other writers who combine love, sex and death so well. I indulge in violent and gory sadomasochistic fantasies and chat sex with my more libertine friends from other countries. I am comfortable with being a slave. I do not shy away from being caught in camera during coitus.
I used to be a great harlot. I did not have standards when it comes to sex. As long as the guy is appealing to me, I would gladly open my legs and let him in. I rarely discriminate. I used to sleep around a lot, even go to threesomes or have sex in public places. I even went to an orgy once. I like to try everything that fancies me. The more twisted it sounds, the more I am attracted to do it. I am very open to everything and so far now, I reached a level that nothing would surprise or shock me anymore.
I do not limit myself at all. I have no restrictions. I totally offer myself to anyone who wants me back. I live my life the way I want it. But this kind of attitude is NOT really for everyone. I do not encourage people to act and think the way I do. It is really up to you. I know you are all responsible with your lives, the way I am responsible with mine. It really depends on how open you are and how responsible you are for yourself and for others.
I think HIV should not automatically make anyone a saint. I do not think that I should be less sexual nor I do not think that I should change a lot of me. I do not think it should make me less of myself, or that I should be more tame and holy. That would be lying to myself. The last thing I want I think I should just be just the way I am although of course, I just need to take care of myself and others better. That I must observe proper precautions whenever I have sex. That now, I should be more considerate and careful with everything I do.
I really do not mind being myself. I figure out that this virus is just here but it should not stop me for being in touch with my sexuality and my personality. Well, one thing changed though. I am not indulging in penetrative sex anymore, which is a thing I was very addicted to when I was still a young, wild HIV negative boy. I miss bareback sex. I used to love the feeling of come inside me and ingesting semen from people I care about. But that was before. Again, I repeat, that was before.
I am changing. I am forever liquid and fluid. Honestly, I have been abstaining now and I am thinking of being a celibate for at least six more months. Mainly, I want my CD4 to increase first and I want to make sure that I am healthier before I start having sex again. To be honest, I really really miss a good fuck. Before, I used to do it a lot. Enjoying a cock in my ass used to be my favorite past time. I get crazy if I don’t do it in a week. But now, I must be more careful and I must prioritize myself more than my own desires.
I know I can still be who I am with HIV. I can still stay as the debauched deviant that I always am. I constantly amaze people with what I tell them, especially the somewhat disturbing stuff I explore. A lot of them think I am weird and strange. But that is who I am. Just like my status. Being positive shocks people whenever I tell them the truth, but I am happy that being an HIV + sexual deviant is still something I can be. People still love and accept me for who I am. They are still understanding despite my bizarre tastes and out-of-this-world fetishes. And that is what really matters to me.
The love from people who love and accept me is what makes me smile every day.These people make me think that despite everything that happened to me and despite everything that makes me who I am, I am still special and distinct. That I am still worthy of love and care. That I am still exquisitely HUMAN and completely WHO I AM.