positHIVely in Love

from Letters to Theo, my special someone

Honestly, I don’t know know what to think about you did to me that night.

Everything was so fun. I did not expect how handsome you are when I first laid eyes on you. I always just hear you on the phone and now, you were actually with me. 

I love the way you smile. I love the way you speak. I love the way you look at me.

I could not look straight into your eyes. I was embarassed. I was feeling ugly. But you seemed to not mind. You seemed to be enjoying yourself. I hope so. I wanted you to enjoy being with me.

I loved the way you told me a lot of things about you. I loved your energy, your vigor, your passion. And we did not even fuck that time. Truly, I enjoyed your company and last night, I did not want it to end. I wanted you to be just there until the wee hours of the morning. I could have spend the whole night with you. I could have slept with you - literally and figuratively.

I want you. I desire you. It burns deep inside me. 

When the time came that you should go, I walked with you to the tricycle terminal. It was already dark and there is only a faint light coming from a lamp post. Everything else is in shadows. You surprised me by holding my hand. I was so shocked. But I was much more shocked when you faced me and kissed me on my lips. It was a soft and gentle kiss, but it did send a lot of electricity throughout my bloodstream. I went hard. I kissed you back. I felt like a virgin again. You embraced me and I held you close to me. 

I touched your cock. You felt my erection against you. You were asking me why I was hard. You knew the answer. I know you do. I did not want to let go. I just wanted you to take me then and there. I would have made love to you if I were just braver. I can stay with you like this… 

Forever?

Everything was so perfect. The darkness hid us from view but even so, we knew we liked what we did. I asked you to come visit me again and you said you would. I went home with legs wobbling. 

I am stunned. You were like a bee who stung me with your sweet honey and venom.

Now, I am scared. I do not know what to do… 

You gave me a dilemma that kept me awake all night.

What is it that you did to me?

Why did you do what you have done?

Why?

Oh whatever… I loved it all of it…

And shit, I think I might be falling in love with you.

WHO I AM

FIRST OF ALL, I NEED TO PUT A DISCLAIMER! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE, DISTURBING IMAGES AND BIZARRE THOUGHTS THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR MINORS AND FOR SOME ADULTS. AGAIN I REPEAT, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

THESE ARE ALL MY OPINIONS AND MY THOUGHTS. I DO NOT CLAIM THAT I AM RIGHT, AND I ALSO DO NOT THINK I AM WRONG. I DO NOT ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO BE THE SAME WITH ME, BUT I AM NOT STOPPING YOU IF YOU WANT TO BE THE SAME WAY.

I DO NOT INTEND TO PREACH AND TO INFLUENCE PEOPLE TO HAVE THE SAME ATTITUDE. I AM JUST BEING HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT WHO I AM. I KNOW SOME MAY REACT WITH HOW I WRITE BUT HEY, IT’S MY BLOG =P I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT HERE.

I’M NOT FORCING ANYONE TO READ ME. YOU ARE WELCOME TO DO SO, TO LOVE ME OR HATE ME, BUT THEN, AFTER ALL, I WARNED YOU. SO AGAIN, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

I have a dilemma. Should I be more behaved now or should I still be who I really am?

By the way, what does “WHO I AM” means?

To give you an idea, here is a description of myself:

I am a strange and weird individual. I pride myself with being the most sexually deviant person there is here in our country. I guess so. I am highly sexual. In fact, I do not think of myself as gay or bi or whatever. I like to think of myself aspansexual. Which means, I get attracted and aroused with a lot of things. Boys, men, sometimes girls, even animals, plants and inanimate things and other stuff. Yes, you read that right. I am very open to the things I love and my capacity to love is way beyond normal humans. I do not limit myself to the norms of society. I enjoy being unique and bizarre. What do I mean by this? I’ll discuss more in my post about my fetishes soon.

Anyway, being pansexual made me very incomprehensible at times. I may be shocking and disturbing to others. I am very vulgar and open to my desires. I can basically tell anyone who bothers to listen about my strange sex life and what I do about it.

I will give you a glimpse of what I usually think about. Mind you, this is just a glimpse. There are a lot of things that I cannot talk about just yet. Sometimes, I think of having sex with animals sometimes although I have not really tried it actually in real life. Well, I do not intend to do it but then I am not also thinking it is wrong. I think necrophilia and cannibalism are romantic. I read a lot of books and articles about serial killers and what do they do to their victims. I love reading Marquis de Sade, Georges Bataille, Poppy Z. Brite and other writers who combine love, sex and death so well. I indulge in violent and gory sadomasochistic fantasies and chat sex with my more libertine friends from other countries. I am comfortable with being a slave. I do not shy away from being caught in camera during coitus.

I used to be a great harlot. I did not have standards when it comes to sex. As long as the guy is appealing to me, I would gladly open my legs and let him in. I rarely discriminate. I used to sleep around a lot, even go to threesomes or have sex in public places. I even went to an orgy once. I like to try everything that fancies me. The more twisted it sounds, the more I am attracted to do it. I am very open to everything and so far now, I reached a level that nothing would surprise or shock me anymore.

I do not limit myself at all. I have no restrictions. I totally offer myself to anyone who wants me back. I live my life the way I want it. But this kind of attitude is NOT really for everyone. I do not encourage people to act and think the way I do. It is really up to you. I know you are all responsible with your lives, the way I am responsible with mine. It really depends on how open you are and how responsible you are for yourself and for others.

I think HIV should not automatically make anyone a saint. I do not think that I should be less sexual nor I do not think that I should change a lot of me. I do not think it should make me less of myself, or that I should be more tame and holy. That would be lying to myself. The last thing I want  I think I should just be just the way I am although of course, I just need to take care of myself and others better. That I must observe proper precautions whenever I have sex. That now, I should be more considerate and careful with everything I do.

I really do not mind being myself. I figure out that this virus is just here but it should not stop me for being in touch with my sexuality and my personality. Well, one thing changed though. I am not indulging in penetrative sex anymore, which is a thing I was very addicted to when I was still a young, wild HIV negative boy. I miss bareback sex. I used to love the feeling of come inside me and ingesting semen from people I care about. But that was before. Again, I repeat, that was before. 

I am changing. I am forever liquid and fluid. Honestly, I have been abstaining now and I am thinking of being a celibate for at least six more months. Mainly, I want my CD4 to increase first and I want to make sure that I am healthier before I start having sex again. To be honest, I really really miss a good fuck. Before, I used to do it a lot. Enjoying a cock in my ass used to be my favorite past time. I get crazy if I don’t do it in a week. But now, I must be more careful and I must prioritize myself more than my own desires.

I know I can still be who I am with HIV. I can still stay as the debauched deviant that I always am. I constantly amaze people with what I tell them, especially the somewhat disturbing stuff I explore. A lot of them think I am weird and strange. But that is who I am. Just like my status. Being positive shocks people whenever I tell them the truth, but I am happy that being an HIV + sexual deviant is still something I can be. People still love and accept me for who I am. They are still understanding despite my bizarre tastes and out-of-this-world fetishes. And that is what really matters to me.

The love from people who love and accept me is what makes me smile every day.These people make me think that despite everything that happened to me and despite everything that makes me who I am, I am still special and distinct. That I am still worthy of love and care. That I am still exquisitely HUMAN and completely WHO I AM.

The Sexy Squid Says Hello!

WARNING!!!!!!
THIS SITE IS FOR ADULTS ONLY!!! 

THIS IS NOT ANOTHER HIV/AIDS BLOG. THIS IS IN A WAY A SEX BLOG OF AN HIV +. YES, HIV+ CAN STILL HAVE SEX!!!! YOU MUST HAVE AN OPEN-MIND BEFORE READING ANYTHING HERE. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SHOCKED, DISTURBED OR BOTHERED WITH WHAT YOU READ, I SAY LET MOVE ON AND FORGET THIS BLOG ALTHOUGH IT WILL NAG YOU AND TAKE SHELTER IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF GOING BACK HERE EVERY NOW AND THEN FOR MORE. =P

It's hard to live as a young, wild and free gay man in the Philippines. You will have the tendency to be greatly misunderstood. People would think you are immoral, debauched and simply, a sinner. We live in a conservative predominantly Catholic society. It has always been a problem with me because I have always been a libertine. I love sex and I am unabashed in saying that I really do to the point of addiction. Starting at a very young age, I have been doing the deed for more than ten years now. I am only twenty-one, and I have literally slept with more than a hundred men, got fucked more than at least a thousand times, ingested and absorbed liters of sperm, indulged in debauched and decadent scenarios, cultivated strange, bizarre and sometimes disturbing fetishes.

I was leading a happy fulfilling life of a harlot until one day, I became HIV+.

A lot of things have changed since then but still, I am different from other "pusits". I still LOVE sex! Sex is one of the reasons why I am still alive and I am in no way giving this up! Most of the people living with HIV have foresworn sex and have chosen abstinence and celibacy from now on. Some of them still have sex although noticeably much less than what they used to have. Some still do have sex without any care and safety and this I condemn. But I never thought that sex can be wrong and immoral. Much more now that I am actually HIV+. 

I don't like to think that I got HIV because I was promiscuous. I believe I got HIV from being unsafe. If I were safe and more careful, I would have been healthier. But I never believed that having sex with multiple partners is wrong. I still uphold monogamy in certain instances, but I believe that if I am single, I have the freedom to fuck who Iwant and fuck who I like. This is my body and I am the one who will ultimately decides what to do with it. 

HIV would not make me a saint, or a seminarian or a martyr. I believe that even if I am a "pusit", I am still sexy. The sexy squid. I can still be who I am. I can still be ME! I still have all the right to fuck whoever fancies me. I know some people would react that I am still irresponsible. But am I?

I am in no way promoting the spread of HIV/AIDS. In fact, my advocacy is very keen in promoting safe sex and clean fun. I made this blog so that people would not be afraid of being in touch with their sexuality. I do not think we should let this virus stop us from getting orgasms. 

The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts, my experiences and my advice to everyone – squid or non-squid:

• I want to promote safe sex and also erase the stigma associated HIV+ individuals and HIV/AIDS. 
• I want to obliterate the fears in people’s minds regarding HIV/AIDS and sex.
• I want to show that people living with HIV can still be like everybody else. 
• I like to make people realize that HIV+ people are pretty much the same with anyone. 
• I desire to share my advice to anyone who would care to listen to my suggestions. 
• I want to help people get the sex they want, especially those “pusits” who are already “tigang” like a rice field in a period of El Niño. 

I do not really care if you think I am wrong or immoral. I am just being who I am. This is my life and the fact that you are reading my blog up to this point means you are interested with what you are reading. I will tell you my sex life as an HIV+, my tips on how to still get the pleasure you always loved, my contemplations on sex and love, my alternative sexual practices and my deviant fetishes.

Love me or hate me, I really do not care. I am not perfect. I do not claim I am an expert. But I do know that I have something to say.